October 15th, 2009

Today October 15th, 2009 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. So for all of you who have had the amazing experience of your BFP and to those of you who were able to view your child and it's precious heartbeat or hold your fragile new one for a few short hours I pray for you. My miscarriages have changed me for the rest of my life. They have been without a doubt the darkest moments of my life and it is something that I carry with me daily. They have made me a better person and they have opened up doors to my heart that I didn't know existed. They have also changed me for the worse in a few ways as well.

What my pregnancy losses have meant for me is another dream shattered another desire I had so badly that didn't go as I had planned. They have meant that I have found a love unlike any I have ever experienced or even knew I was capable of having. They offered a chance for my husband and I to really work together and grieve and share some of our toughest moments together and only come up stronger. Losing multiple pregnancies changes you....

In many aspects it has made me a very negative person, it has made me question why God allows some to get pregnant and some not. It has made me very cynical in regards to pregnancies and for that I am so ashamed but I am real and my feelings are real and I choose to share that with you because it is so true. However, I try my hardest to be happy and smile and share pure joy when friends or family share that they are expecting but deep down inside a little part of me cries in despair and it is like I relive those miscarriages all over for a brief moment. Having miscarriages change you....

For each miscarriage I have had I am grateful because it has allowed me to grow in ways I never expected however for each miscarriage I am also exceptionally bitter and anxious and pray for the day that I hold my first born but I will never forget my two little Olsen babies and pray that God is holding them for me when I arrive.

So for each of you who have suffered this type of loss I pray for you and your families and for your heart to heal because it is one of the the most difficult types of loss no doubt. And for all of our little ones playing in Heaven I pray that you know how much we love you and that not a day goes by where we don't think of you.