Marley and Me

So I was prepping myself to watch Marley and Me. I heard it was a great movie but that the end was really sad. So I thought I would watch like 3/4's of the movie and turn it off. I can't stand movies that make me sad. What I wasn't prepared for was a scene very similar to that of my own life. In the movie the couple finds out after a "couple" of months of trying that they were pregant. Presuming things are normal they have a ten week ultrasound appointment and are overjoyed at listening to the heart beat of the new miracle. Sadly the Dr. and the Ultrasound tech cannot locate a heartbeat or a viable pregnacy. BAM the sad part hits me way before the ending of the movie. This happened to Neal and I on our second pregnancy. It was literally some of the very worst words I had ever heard come out of someone's mouth. My poor husband was besides himself and tried his best to make me focus on the positive aspect of it all. "We could try again." Who in the hell wants to try again??? I wanted this pregnancy to be the one that produced our first newborn. I wanted to hold this baby...I didn't want to hear the words, "you can try again." Wasn't one miscarriage punishment enough for all the horrible things I have done with my time here on earth??? This movie went from being cute and lighthearted to one that was turned off immediately in my head. I know it has been some time since this has happened but seeing it in the movies just refreshes all the pain over again. Somehow, I know that God has his reasons but sometimes I can't help but wonder why so much pain when all I wanted was to have a baby and do what we where put on this earth to do...reproduce.

I am scared to death to be pregnant again and have all the what I have termed, "psychoisms" come out again. You know the ones where you are never at peace with the pregnancy and waiting for the gauntlet to fall on the whole thing, and for all of your dreams to come crashing down. I pray that when we are pregnant God provides me with some peace and a healthy and viable pregnancy. I also pray that I am at peace with what happens in our plans to have a family whether that be a natural pregnancy with a biological child or through adoption. Lately I pray that God show me his plans, would you please pray with me too???